Tuesday, February 28, 2012
You might think that the cardinal sins of first dates are discussing what went wrong with your last (beautiful) girlfriend, or maybe enthralling your date with the details of your balance transfer credit cards. They are, but there are a few other total non-starters when it comes to first dates, and this list could just save your blushes somewhere down the line.
1. Women hate walking in high heels
Yes, they look lovely, and she’s worn them because she wants to look nice for you. Most men like high heels on a woman, and she’s trying to please. Whether it’s a first date or not, appreciate the effort she’s made, but don’t make her walk too far if you want her to be happy. One of the worst things a girl can hear on a date is, “I thought it would be nice to walk to the restaurant – it’s only twenty minutes away.” A man’s idea of what a twenty-minute walk is tends to be a thirty-minute walk in reality. By then she will be wincing from the blisters. She’ll be gritting her teeth all the way, and if she seems distracted and less than enamored with you en route, it’s probably because she’s concentrating on not crying. From pain. Bad, bad move. If she’s wearing ‘Car to Bar’ shoes, make sure you don’t have far to go, or hail a cab. P.S Women love cabs.
2. Splitting The Bill
If woman insist on splitting the bill on a first date you can be pretty sure she’s not interested. If she lets you pay, you can be sure her radar is still on. She may still not be sure, but she’s open to persuasion that you could be suited. Bill paying is a very primitive mechanism. By picking up the tab you are signalling, on a primitive level, that you can provide, and that you are a successful male. A hunter-gatherer who can be trusted. Women will not be aware of this on any conscious level at all. Nor is she sizing you up as a potential husband. But at a subconscious level, if she allows you to pay the bill it means she has accepted your ‘hunter-gatherer’ offer. If she wants to split the tab, then don’t insist. Take it as a signal she may be distancing herself from you. There is no point in forcing the issue on principle, as she will feel guilty and uncomfortable, as it will be seen as an obligation. Feminist, both male and female may disagree, but it’s just science at the end of the day!
3. She’s Waiting For You To Say She Looks Lovely
This may seem obvious, but it’s amazing how many men stumble at this first date hurdle. What men don’t know about women is that they may well have spent over a week planning for this date. They may have bought a new dress, they may have had their nails done, their hair cut, been to the beautician. It costs a lot of money and a lot of time. Imagine it. Taking a week to prepare for something and the person you meet doesn’t even comment. There is your first knock to her confidence before you have even started. It costs nothing to just acknowledge she’s made an effort. A simple, “Hey, you look lovely!” will do, as she walks in the room. Nothing heavy. You’ll get a smile and she will feel little lift inside. And that’s a great way to start a date. Lots of men don’t do it because they feel self-conscious. Don’t be. It will earn you lots of points, even if you feel strange saying it. Even if you decide there is no chemistry when you meet on a first date, still have the manners to make a comment. It’s only fair.
4. She Wants To Know About You, But Not Too Much…
Women can be great listeners. They can be naturally strong at empathizing and trying to put you at ease on a date. If you are nervous, there is a danger of what is known as ‘over-sharing’ on a first date, which can really ruin it. If you feel you need to fill the silence, and she’s listening in a sympathetic manner it’s easy to fall into this trap, but it is usually a bad tactical error on a first date at least. Over-sharing – talking too much about your personal feelings, childhood, parents, career or therapy sessions can have the effect of stripping you of some of your mystique. There is something unsettling about people who can tell you their most intimate secrets on a first date, because it may suggest that this is the sort of thing you generally share with total strangers, and that the information is not being saved for the one special person in your life to find out themselves. You seem emotionally promiscuous, in short. The feeling that someone is holding back is a powerful motivator to see them again, get to known them. No-one wants to read the last page of a book first. They want to savor each chapter as it unfolds. If you feel yourself falling into this trap, make sure you ask lots of questions about your date too, and encourage a two way conversation in that way.
If some of this advice seems obvious, well, it is. But it is astonishing just how many men fall into these first date traps. There are just as many for women, and maybe you can think of some yourself. But in the meantime, perhaps reflect on whether you have ever committed any of these first date sins.