Wednesday, April 22, 2009

How To Shoot Yourself In The Foot

Jokes
Here are some ingenious ways to shoot yourself in the foot. Ladies and Gentlemen, please choose your weapon.

370 JCL
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Ada
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

Algol
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.

APL
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

Apple
We'll let you shoot yourself, but it'll cost you a bundle.

ASP.NET
Find a gun, it falls apart. Put it back together, it falls apart again. You try using the .GUN Framework, it falls apart. You stab yourself in the foot instead.

Assembly
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot. After that's done, you pull the trigger, the gun beeps several times, then crashes.

Brainfuck
Just looking at the gun gives you a migrane, so forget about actually shooting it.

BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

C
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but find out the the gun is actually a howitzer cannon.

C++
You accidentally create a dozen clones of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

COBOL
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

COMAL
draw_pistol
aim_at_foot(left)
pull_trigger
hop(swearing)

Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

Cray
I knew you were going to shoot yourself in the foot.

csh
After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.

CSS
You shoot your right foot with one hand, then switch hands to shoot your left foot but you realize that the gun has turned into a banana.

dBase
You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.

DOS Batch
You aim the gun at your foot and pull the trigger, but only a weak gust of warm air hits your foot.

Eiffel
You create a GUN object, two FOOT objects and a BULLET object. The GUN passes both the FOOT objects a reference to the BULLET. The FOOT objects increment their hole counts and forget about the BULLET. A little demon then drives a garbage truck over your feet and grabs the bullet (both of it) on the way.

English
You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
(For those who don't know, English is a McDonnell Douglas/PICK query language which allegedly requires 110% of system resources to run happily)

Forth
Foot in yourself shoot.

FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

FTP
% ftp lower-body.me.org
ftp> cd /foot
ftp> put bullets

Hewlett-Packard
You can use this machine-gun to shoot yourself in the foot, but the firing pin is broken.

HTML
<a target="http://body/lower-half/leg/foot.appendage"> Shoot here </a>

HyperTalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot of the left leg of you.
Answer the result.

IBM
You insert a clip into the gun, wait half an hour, and it goes off in random directions. If a bullet hits your foot, you're lucky.

Internet
You put your foot in your mouth, shoot it, then spam the bullet so that everybody gets shot in the foot.

Java
After importing java.awt.right.foot.* and java.awt.gun.right.hand.*, and writing the classes and methods of those classes needed, you've forgotten what the hell you're doing.

JavaScript
You've perfected a robust, rich user experience for shooting yourself in the foot. You then find that bullets are disabled on your gun.

LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

Machine Language
Before you can shoot yourself in the foot you must disassemble the gun at the atomic level and then reassemble it. After you do this, you find that the bullets require a special operator so the gun doesn't work.

Microsoft
Object "Foot" will be included in the next release. You can upgrade for $500.

Modula-2
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

Motif
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

NeXT
We don't sell guns anymore, just ammunition.

Paradox
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Pascal
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Perl
You shoot yourself in the foot, but nobody can understand how you did it. Six months later, neither can you.

PHP
You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces from 300 other guns.

PL/I
You discover 6,752 different guns for shooting yourself in the foot. Before you can decide which one to use, you starve to death.

Postscript
It takes the bullet ten minutes to travel from the gun to your foot, by which time you're long since gone out to lunch. The text comes out great, though.

Prolog
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

Python
You try to shoot yourself in the foot but you just keep hitting the whitespace between your toes.

Revelation
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

RPG
First you define your gun, bullet, and firing pin. Then, you define your foot, toes, and toenails. Then, you open chamber and load the gun. Then, you cock it. Now you're finally ready to shoot yourself in the foot.

Ruby
Your foot is ready to be shot in roughly five minutes, but you just can't find anywhere to shoot it.

Smalltalk, Actor, et al
After playing with the graphics for 3 weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.

SNOBOL
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.
If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

SQL
SELECT @ammo:=bullet FROM gun WHERE trigger = 'PULLED';
INSERT INTO leg (foot) VALUES (@ammo);

UNIX
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%

Visual BASIC
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

Visual BASIC.NET
You spend a fortune on a high-powered, self-cleaning, self-aiming, automatic handgun with unlimited ammo, only to realize it takes a year to pull the trigger.

Visual FoxPro
You mock other sharpshooters for not being able to shoot both feet at once, but when you try to do it yourself you realize that you can't properly handle the Microsoft.gun ActiveX.

VMS
%SYS-F-FTSHT, foot shot
(fifty lines of traceback omitted)

XBase
Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.

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7 Comment:

Anonymous said...

boring .......

but tht c desc was cool...

Aaron said...

Another list, this one using revision control systems:

http://www.workhabit.com/labs/merging-freeway-different-revision-control-systems

Ted L nacyyy said...

Shooting yourself in the foot is just a by-product of trying to kill a spider the hard way.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! Reminds me why I love my job...thank you.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, hilarious! I showed this to some of my friends, but they only got the apple one....
Overall, Absolutely Amazing!!!!!!

Someone Special said...

Does anyone else love how google advertises medication for foot pain above this?

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