Thursday, March 26, 2009

50+ Funniest Quotes Ever

I hope this collection of 50+ funny quotes would bring a smile on your face. I have marked my favorites in red. If you do like them, then feel free to use them as your IM status or your email signature. But don't forget to help me by giving this article a Stumble and/or a Digg, you can also share it on any other social networking or social bookmarking sites that you use by using the Add This button below. Also, don't forget to subscribe to The Chronicles of R.

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

When I said 'death' before 'dishonor', I meant alphabetically.

Putting the laughter back into manslaughter.

When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.

Hurricanes are like women : when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest.

A little necrophilia never killed anyone.

Dyslexics Of The World Untie.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Without me, it's just aweso.

He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.

I miss you like a retard misses the point.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

I went too a restaurant that served breakfast at anytime, so i ordered french toast during the renaissance.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.

Yo momma's so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost.

If your name was homework, I would be doing you on my desk right now.

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?

When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!

Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't. The steaks were too high.

The Vending Machine Theory : "Stuff tastes better when it falls".

The most effective copyright protection known to man : a scratched CD.

A jump-leads walks into a bar, acting aggressively. The barman says "All right, I'll serve you. But don't start anything."

This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

It appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! It is a probability miracle!

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Coffee just isn't my cup of tea.

If this made you laugh, then I am sure you would love these too.

32 Things To Do When Your ISP Is Down

42 Things Real Men Do

How To Shoot Yourself In The Foot


184 Comment:

Anonymous said...

very helpful and hilarious. thank you :)

Anonymous said...

AWESOME!

but it's photoshopped.

Anonymous said...

!! photoshopped !!
is that supposed to be sarcastic or ironic or what?

Anonymous said...

definitely 'shopped. I can see the pixels.

Anonymous said...

It's funny how you ask people to link to your blog when they use these but you don't give credit to the people who created the quotes.

Anonymous said...

totally shopped, the shadows are all wrong.

Bamboo Floors said...

Love them all! It was so funny and cute I really have a great time reading this.

Anonymous said...

um who said all this...

Anonymous said...

copied n pasted for sure...but still very funny Thanks:D

Anonymous said...

so so funny i giggles alot!!!!
i texted them to all my friends and thay totally loved them and giggled too haha hehe

but i cant beleive you forgot the slinky one
ya no the "some people are like slinkies good for nothing but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs" yes the best one ever

so rock on

lov megan martha

Anonymous said...

Nice...

Anonymous said...

If you notice that most notices are not worth noticing, the the notion of noticing notices becomes obsolete. original quote XD and btw good job

Anonymous said...

I used to be indecisive, but now im not sure.

Posted By
Dean Sutherland.

thatgalkiki said...

I am happy I stumbled across this! I'm new to this Blog world and just added myself as a 'follower'.

:)

Anonymous said...

this is so obviously 'shopped... her breasts arent even frigging attached at the right place, and we all know dakota fanning would NEVER be caught wearing such a thing as that. dreadful style. anyways! 'SHOPPED FTL!

Anonymous said...

this is awesome, and i love the quotes, but its so 'shopped.. her hair is either not her hair (kinda looks like angelina jolies) or its her hair from when she was a child and she saved it and turned it into a wig... thats the most likely possibility.

Anonymous said...

Hi Buddy,
Gr8 collection...If incase ur are on orkut, which i think u must be ..check classic quotes i just copied lot of ur selection out there.
Thanks..keep it up.

Martin Fister said...

This is a great list and you seemed to pick the best ones for sure. Would make for a great twitter theme account to just post chance quotes like this that you find.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this. I had a great laugh! =)

Anonymous said...

phenominal

Anonymous said...

lol lao this is funny

Anonymous said...

totally photoshopped
shadows all wrong

Clayton Shumway said...

Haha great list, love #1!

AutoGeeze | Latest Sportscars said...

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I really enjoy this quote, haha..feels like it's me.

John said...

I love the you can't make awesome without me quote, the rendition you have above is almost as good.

Power Poker Rakeback said...

Some really funny ones in there. Glad I found this blog

Best Casino Bonus Online said...

I actually thought the first one was the best about the chickens. Both surreal and vaguely Obama-esque.

"He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia" also tickled me.

Anonymous said...

my favorite quote of all time is "lets make like a fetus, and head out" -specialist Powell

Anonymous said...

awesome!

Market Actual said...

thank you,very good

Anonymous said...

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret".

Anonymous said...

COOOL COLLECTION.,

Anonymous said...

To the person who said something about Dakota Fanning..... WTH are you talking about? The picture with the lady and the bacon shirt? Thats totally NOT Dakota Fanning. I have NO clue what your were smoking when looking at the picture. BTW, i loved these quotes. Fricken HILARIOUS!!!

Anonymous said...

Friggin' Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

this was so great. my whole family had a great laugh! i'm going to send this to all my friends, i'm sure they'll love it too! thanx so much for posting these hilarious quotes, i love 'em! :)
here's some you might not have heard:

"All I want is peace, love, understanding, and a chocolate bar bigger than my head"

"I believe the word studying is derived from the words "students dying"

"Only in American do they leave the doors of a bank wide open and chain the pens to the desk"

"I became a fan of:
-Text me first or I feel like I'm being annoying
-ummm I don't know...Google it.
-I'm cold....more like, give me a hug.
-Dora, you the banana tree is right in front of you, and you call yourself an explorer"

When nothing goes right, go left.

No copyright intended. Hope you like them!

Magazine Subscriptions said...

One of my favourites is:

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
(Jackie Mason)

or how about:

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Maya said...

I like the one about the guy who went to a toga party dressed as a goat:)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said that he would like to stay anonymous.

Anonymous said...

Quite cool quotes.

- Naveen

Anonymous said...

a little necrophilia never killed anybody..LOL

Michelle said...

He who laughs last probably does not get the joke..Lmao...BTW I'm she...lol

Anonymous said...

What's Photoshopped??

Anonymous said...

THE ONLY PREDICTABLE THING ABOUT LIFE IS ITS UNPREDICTABILITY

Anonymous said...

luv these quotes! amazing lines rlly made my day =D

Anonymous said...

Most of them make sense and others are just 2 funny 4 me 2 understand!!!!!!lol :)

Anonymous said...

Amy... glad u found that retard quote the funniest, U one sick fat bitch,

faisal said...

Thanks for sharing this funny quotes with us, really brighten up my day :)

Anonymous said...

The vending machine one is taken from a Mitch Hedberg joke. Except the way it's quoted here, it's way less funny.

Anonymous said...

hahahhaha so funny

Anonymous said...

blah

Jane said...

wow I put some on my Facebook status. Very cool, made my day laughing out loud.

Anonymous said...

YOU are sooooo boring! Really you are..

Anonymous said...

nicccceeeeeeeeee

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha, made my day :)

Anonymous said...

OMG! This is hilarious! My favourite was:

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I found it really funny.

And remember:

He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.

So all of you...try not to laugh last!

Anonymous said...

It was hilarious! I don't even know what to say!

I loved:

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

And remember:

He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.

So NEVER laugh last! Hahaha!

Anonymous said...

Oh...if another comment goes up after the:

Anonymous said...

OMG! This is hilarious! My favourite was:

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I found it really funny.

And remember:

He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.

So all of you...try not to laugh last!

Just letting you know...it was from the same person...that's why it is pretty much almost alike!

Just a little heads up there!

Anonymous said...

Great!men or women..
I learnt many things....
thanksssssss...

Anonymous said...

very funny lmao :)

Anonymous said...

some are good

Anonymous said...

finally figured out mosquitoes are God's way of making us slap ourselves.... - wayne

Anonymous said...

Of course it's copy/pasted idiots, that's why the fourth word in is "collection."

Anonymous said...

i liked them all they were so funny.. its a good thing to read to brighten up your day :)

Anonymous said...

"I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks." - Emo Phillips

Anonymous said...

need more funny quotes with questions. otherwise they're excellent

Anonymous said...

heres one of my fa quotes of all time:
Nine out of the ten voices in my head agree that I'm insane. The tenth is off chasing cars

Anonymous said...

FUCK








I'm all out of BUBBLEGUM!!!!!!



"Awesomeist movie ever....."

Directed by: Sheppard Donald

Anonymous said...

really great list of quotes .. keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

Bad Idea to read at work cause they are just so funny.

My coworkers are giving me funny looks.

Sam

Anonymous said...

I have read funnier I suppose it just boils down to taste.

Anonymous said...

=D OH WOW THIS IS FUNNY

Anonymous said...

great not boring
^_^

Anonymous said...

This has never been said, but it is funny

"I was so shocked when I read the affects of smoking that I gave up reading"

Anonymous said...

I've said this to many people before:
If someone touches your behind in the club, grocery store, etc., you don't cry foul play, you say "thank you" because at least someone thinks your ass is worth grabbing. You only press charges if they touch your befront.

Anonymous said...

this is just fucking spectacular!

confusedyuppie said...

so funny! thanks for the laugh

subtlescribbler said...

Thnks for a good laugh..i hope my circulation just got improved =)

sarah

helly carwy said...

this jst a bomb l loved every bit

Anonymous said...

LMAO LOL' GUD ONE'S buhh nohh all dow..

Anonymous said...

My wife said she was just poping out to the shops and asked me if i needed anything " yes plaese" i replied " grab me a box of cigerettes "
That was three months ago , i have just found out she is in Columbia when i asked what she was doing the she replied " YOU KNOW I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED FOR YOU TO GIVE THEM UP, I THOUGHT IF I DID'NT COME BACK WITH THEM YOU MAY GIVE UP " I have but she still has'nt returned home , i am now getting a little concerned?....lol lol lol

Joke of the month , BY Ren Vassilliou

funny quotes said...

Ha ha ha! very funny!here is another one:"I've been on so many blind dates,I should get a free dog!"

Anonymous said...

omg these quotes are great XD

Anonymous said...

one nun said to the other nun " i hav;nt had none since BENEDICTAS"

ms I like chicken jokes but not those stupid ones said...

lol i like the one about dream where chickens would cross the road

Anonymous said...

why is it mexicans take spanish class and get a B ???

Anonymous said...

i love it..here is one more..'I didn't fall.....I attacked the floor.'

Anonymous said...

great!! "A man with one watch always knows the time; but a man with two is never quite sure."

Anonymous said...

'when life give you lemons' rant, just watch...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8ufRnf2Exc

Anonymous said...

Women can't live with 'em ,CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM

Anonymous said...

Thank you <3<3!
I hope you'll be uploading lots more!
This made my day
;Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

thanks again x

Anonymous said...

faadu quotes...

Anonymous said...

Yaaaa^.^Great^.^

GoKart said...

Golf quote from Alex Hay: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."

Anonymous said...

God said come forth and get eternal peace...i came third and get a toaster instead!!

irfanaziz said...

Its wonderful to to make someone smile n think. Thats really a great job.

Anonymous said...

Mind soothing quotes....i really enjoyed....keep it up.....Here is one......''nowdays in my dreams i don't dream.....

Anonymous said...

Hahaha these are great! Keep posting more stuff like this!!! I <3 the roughriders!

Anonymous said...

Some of these are awesome....

Another one.. It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye", it could confuse a lot of people.
Source: funny goodbye quotes

Cheers

Anonymous said...

wow, how generous of you to allow others to post these quotes that you posted with no credit or respect to their authors. unbelievable

Anonymous said...

lolz......

Anonymous said...

i enjoyed these.. they made me laugh :D!

Anonymous said...

beautifully said
keep it up dude:0)

Funny Quotes said...

He He...these r downright hilarious. Me n my girlfriend are laughing our asses off. Here r some of my favorite:

<> As soon as you let yourself go, this baby is going to turn into Morse code.

<> Sometimes I bust out and do things so permanent; like tattoos and marriage.

<> For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

<> I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. (Well me 2 LOL)

<> The first man gets the oyster, the second man gets the shell.

<>If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!

Anonymous said...

Hey guys how about this one.

YOU ALL FARTED!!!!

Anonymous said...

those comments were not useful. i need something short, funny, and one i get. those quotes sucked and always will

Manish said...

Man these r hilarious as hell. Man I can't help but ROTFL. Man I Texted some of 'em to my buddies. Man I've also got couple such funny phrases which I'd love to share with the community.

2% Brain, 75% ditching school, 21%Sleeping in school, 2% Brain...

If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?

Politicians and diapers have 1 thing in common; they should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. :)

When I die I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did in his sleep - not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Yesterday I studied for an hour, and then I found myself on the floor on a robe singing 'This Land Is Your Land' to myself.

Anonymous said...

This wasn't bad until I read the bambidextrous one.

Anonymous said...

gay

Anonymous said...

What type of bees produce milk'?? BOO-BEES

Anonymous said...

Tjis is funny

naomi said...

LOL..laughter is the best medicine..

it is not bad to put some comedy in life, to make some problems a little bit lighter.

JHONSTEVE said...

GREAT ONE ARTICLE KEEP SHARING missing you quotes

Anonymous said...

Love it Xd

Anonymous said...

aye ghee...

Anonymous said...

THIS BLOG IS SOO FUNNY HAD A GREAT LAUGH HAHAHAHAHAHA THANKS HAHAHAHA STILL LAUGHING!!!!

Anonymous said...

lol!

oleg said...

Funniest Quotes. Thanks.

futures market said...

Haha this is so funny, I like the sentence "Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

crude oil futures said...

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else. Bitter, right?

viec lam long an said...

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling." I think this is from Dr. Watson, he told Sherlock Holmes this.

Anonymous said...

remember kids if a stranger comes up to you and offers you drugs....... say thankyou because drugs are expensive.

Maximus Cash said...

Hey – wonderful website! just looking around some websites! seems a pretty nice platform you are using. I’m currently using WordPress for a few of my blogs but looking to change one of them over to a platform similar to yours as a trial run:)

Anonymous said...

hi..very nice quotes

funny quotes said...

Thank u 4 creating this hilarious site. Enjoyed ur collection of funny quotes....

Some more here:

-> I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.

-> What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.

-> A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.

-> God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.

lol

Billie Palance said...

Oh my goodness! an amazing article dude. Thank you However I am experiencing issue with ur rss . Don’t know why Unable to subscribe to it. Is there anyone getting identical rss problem? Anyone who knows kindly respond. Thanks.

Cool Me(; said...

Hey yall remeber i hate you all sike naw but yeah lol , im awesome

Anonymous said...

the qoute is quite fantastic.. I like them anyway!

Life Quotes said...

These quotes are all so damn freaking' funny. Here are some more:

"The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses."

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You threw your babies away. And you threw your swords away. You threw your golf clubs, and your tasty treats. And you know what? I found them. And I'm gonna raise all of them.


“Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.

Luke said...

asianoccasion.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, good one Wayne ;o) ...Mosquitos....so true.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the smile on the dial :D
I'm off to smack my kids in the face with some J&J No More Tears...cheers

writing papers said...

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Pam said...

Put a smile on my face. Thank you!

Donna said...

Wow! nice quotes... Thank you for posting the great content. Keep on sharing!

The Lush @ Katong

Anonymous said...

The government hates competition lol

Felix said...

Great stuff!

http://odd-angles.com/

mattevans said...

Talk about undervaluing.. Those numbers totally missed the mark! The example is not even legible.. Norton Scientific Journal

Locksmith In London said...

There are so funny quotes and there is an acceptable reason behind it. I’m so impressed with the quote “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” How true it is, I can feel this because I’m a student.

Anonymous said...

you no i have photographic memory. i just don't have the film.
my excuse for forgetting the sources in my research.

Freelancer said...

"Imagine there were no hypothetical situations."

That upplies to mathematicians xD

Anonymous said...

These are awesome quotes and so true !! :D
I got about 75 likes for some (:

Unknown said...

awesome quotes...copied 'nd pasted some of 'em on my twitter account. =D

Unknown said...

awesome quotes...copied 'nd pasted some of 'em on my twitter account. =D

Anonymous said...

fuck fuck fuck a duck, screw a kangaroo, gangbang an orangatang. SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL ZOO

Anonymous said...

I've seen them b4.. :p

Anonymous said...

Lol, I can use them as Funny Facebook Status
on my Timeline.

Anonymous said...

That was pretty funny but could have been betteR

Merry said...

I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving....lolx I love this one :P...this is most funniest

Anonymous said...

one word shopped!!!! and these quotes weren't even good sad my friend sad! taking people's credit

adnan said...

really superb collection.all the quotes made me laugh and these collection really gave me so much pleasure.keep going......

product promotional said...

Great post, and great website.

Anonymous said...

Really great lines. Love them.

Anonymous said...

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Computer Repair Montreal said...

The quotes are great!

cms said...

ya. really great quotes :)

futures trading said...

A little humor never killed anyone.

funny quotes said...

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

Rahul Verma said...

My Fav: Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind.

lol

Best Quotes said...

My favorite: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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Anonymous said...

Indeed these are the Best Quotes of All Time I come across.

Anonymous said...

Nipple?

Awad kaled said...

You think English is ezey?
Will fill this out with yes or no
1...... I don't have a brain.
2...... I am stupid.

Anonymous said...

This Wass Funny Af! haha.. But Sadly Not as Much As i Thought It Would Be

learn techniques to overcome anxiety said...

Excellent. I love it. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Lol pretty funny

John Wingate said...

Great statuses! Will share some of these :)

Breast implant capsular contraction San Francisco said...

Excellent post. I want to thank you for this informative read, I really appreciate sharing this great post. Keep up your work.

Leo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

The person below me is a child molester. Enough said.

Anonymous said...

I got some popsicles down in the cellar.....

slut said...

any men single?

God said...

Though shalt imbibe liqour and habor the wife of your fellow man.

Suresh said...

Love them all! It was so funny and cute I really have a great time reading this.

sewa ac said...

I like them..So funny..lol

John said...

Cant stop laughing

Janak Porwal said...

All the things are not so funny in life. Specially to say Goodbye. Most of the time its very hurting to say goodbye to the loved ones. That can be on positive or happy but can not be funny. There are several goodbye quotes claimed as funny but all of them have some where a lil ego or a cover for sadness. So do not make fun of every emotion in life. Some of them beautiful without adding a flavour of funnyness.

funny quotes said...

My Fav:
I found a great way to attract money... work!
Curtis D. Tucker

Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.

Phan Cẩm Tú said...

that's so hilarious my friend :X:x... thank you.. i will set 1 of them as my status on facebook to night :X

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Phan Cẩm Tú said...

you are so hilarious ... :X:X ... i will update one of them as my status tonight :X

viec lam

Taimoor said...

very nice.. hahah

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